Sperm bank introduces online sperm Banking

BRISBANE, Monday:

One of Australia’s leading sperm banks is encouraging its customers to do all their sperm banking online. The move is part of the banks ongoing shift away from face-to-face service.  While many see internet and phone sperm banking as more efficient, elderly customers have been slow to embrace them, still preferring to make all their deposits in person.

WAR IN ISRAEL – Cycle of Blame Blamed

JERUSALEM, Friday: The cycle of blame has been blamed for the recent escalation of violence in the Middle East. In the first agreement between the new Sharon government and Yasser Arafat both have agreed that the conflict can not be avoided until they stop the cycle of blame.

“The cycle of blame is the cause of this war,’ said Sharon. ‘Although the Palestinians started it’. Ariel Sharon has also denounced the escalation of violence in Israel, and sought world condemnation of the Palestinians’ use of bus weapons technology. The denouncement comes after bus driver Khalil Abu Olbeh rammed a bus into a group of Israeli’s killing eight.

The bus incident led to a declaration fo war from an Israeli official who claimed that peace talks could not resume until the Palestinians decommissioned all of their buses. President Bush condemned the attack and ordered that the sale of all vehicles of mass transit be banned to
Palestine. He added that Israel may want to ‘lighten up on the gunship assassinations’ referring to the Israeli military’s murder of a Palestinian security officer last week.

Meanwhile the Israeli government has responded angrily to claims that the bus driver killed the Israeli citizens due to his anger at the killing of Palestinians in the Gaza Strip by the Israeli army.

‘Don’t blame us. Those Palestinians were killed as a pre-emptive retaliation against the  bus crash deaths said newly elected Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. ‘If only they would stop provoking us like that there would be some hope of peace in the
Middle East’.

Historians uncover third gag in ‘Get Smart’

New York, Tuesday: An academic historian, Professor Shotwire, has uncovered a previously unrecognized third comic device used in the 1970’s spy sitcom Get Smart. The show’s creator Mel Brooks couldn’t believe his ears when he heard the news. “Don’t tell me there were three gags in the show”. “I asked you not to tell me that,” Mr. Brooks said.

When the claim was met with disbelief by most journalists, Prof Shotwire responded “Would you believe it had two and a half gags? Would you believe two gags? Would you believe one gag? Okay. It didn’t actually have any gags”.

Police demand more macho name for ‘Taskforce Jenny’

SYDNEY, Tuesday: Superintendent Nick Chalmers of the Wentworthville District Patrol has been stood down amid allegations that he named police taskforces without flair, imagination or metaphorical significance.

Chalmers is under particular fire for his naming of an arson taskforce. Commissioner or Police Peter Ryan deemed the name Taskforce Jenny ‘entirely inappropriate, and quite frankly, drab’. Instead, Ryan would have preferred to see the name Taskforce Phoenix, Operation Firebrand or Taskforce Cedar.

‘I particularly like the name Taskforce Phoenix’, Ryan said. ‘It’s evocative yet subtly and I think the classical allusion is a nice touch. It is true that our officers will not be collecting “cinnamon and spikenard, and myrrh” as Ovid described, nor will they be carrying a nest to the city of
Heliopolis in
Egypt and depositing it in the temple of the Sun, as the
Phoenix was known to do, but at least it is a better name than Taskforce Jenny.

The compromise name that Chalmers put forward – Taskforce Eastern Spotted Quoll – was flatly dismissed by Ryan in mediation yesterday and Chalmers future remained unclear. Speaking at a press conference yesterday, Chalmers’ claimed that ‘the issue is really one of creative control’.

Commissioner Ryan responded, ‘I can accept that a Superintendent as a right to choose a taskforce name – to play around with words and really jazz things up – but it has to be done within reason. If a name without any metaphorical resonance is chosen, it should at least sound bravely and manly. I would have found the names Taskforce Condor, Taskforce Cruiser or Operation Blue Steel entirely appropriate but girls’ names are just so not us’.

FBI Warns of Imminent Terrorist Warning

WASHINGTON, Friday: The FBI has issued the American public with a chilling warning that it could issue a terrorist warning sometimes soon. 

FBI spokesman Chris Jenkins told a packed press conference today, ‘It has come to our attention from unnamed sources that any of a number of acts may occurs at an undisclosed location by unidentified person employing a variety of means’. As a result of this new information we are upgrading our idle speculation about a terrorist warning to a full warning of a warning’.

Concerns have been rife since fertilizer and petrol, possible ingredients of a rudimentary explosive, were discovered in an Arab-American’s garden shed. A man has been taken into custody and a manhunt has begun to establish his lines of supply. 

This is the eighth ‘terrorist warning’ warning the FBI has released since September 11 attacks but Jenkins cautioned against complacency. ‘The most horrendous aspect of the cowardly attacks on September 11 was that they were without warning. We guarantee that will never happen again’.  

Jenkins followed his warning of a terrorist warning with a word of advice to those driving on wet roads and a caution to parents with pools in their backyards.  

The announcement coincidentally came two hours before the FBI applied for an extra $300 billion grant from Capitol Hill. Responding to questions from the pres about the propriety of the earlier warning, spokesmen declared the press ‘un-American’ and brandished American flags to riotous acclaim

MAN TAKES WAGES HOME: More Pokies Needed

Sydney, Friday: The New South Wales government has expressed concern following the release of a second report by the Productivity Commission which shows that a majority of employed people still spend their pay on luxury items such as food and clothing for their family.

Today the Treasurer announced a poly to get tough on ‘gambling evasion’ schemes. Those who fail to gamble their fair share will be prosecuted by the taxation office. The government is considering new legislation which will require a certain percentage of employee’s wages to be paid directly into the pokie machine of their choice.

The scheme will be strictly means tested – employees who earn up to $20,000 will have 40 per cent of their income automatically deducted, with the deduction reduced on a sliding than $75,000 per year will not be subject to deductions.

The premier has come out in strong support for the scheme. ‘New South Wales is proud to lead the world in pokie concentration, but if people selfishly refuse to pay their gambling dues, then we will not be able to maintain our current level of services’. Community groups have described the premier’s policy plan as ‘a pile of craps’.

Gay Scientists Isolate Christian Gene

Sydney, Friday: Gay scientists today released a study which, they claim at last identifies the “Christian Gene”. The controversial research may end the long running debate about the cause of Christianity.

“Our research suggests that Christian may not actually be able to help themselves,” said one scientist. The theory casts doubt on the tradition belief that Christianity can be on a child’s upbringing. The parents of one Christian have welcomed the news with relief. “We always worried that if we’d done something different we could have stopped our child from becoming a Christian before it was too late”.

But converting the research into a commercial cure may take years. The wait leaves many families frustrated. “We have sent our children to camps to cure them, but no matter how many times we play them Pet Shop Boys songs, they just come back talking about Jesus,” said one gay parent.

Part of the delay occurred because the scientists need approval from ethics boards to further their study. “Obviously there are those who’ll say genetic modification is just playing God,” said one researcher, “but now we can at least cure them of their belief.”

Disclaimer

These articles are taken directly from “50 Golden Years of The Chaser”. I in no way claim ownership of this article, nor do i claim any role in its creation.