Botswana gold medalist wears 40% of nations GPD around neck

BOTSWANA’S Olympic 800 metre champion Glode Duby is responsible for the single biggest injection into his nation’s economy for over 15 years after winning gold this week. The medal, valued at $412.87 on the stock market, is to be immediately melted down and sold in order to help pay off Botswana’s foreign debt.

“It is an honour to be running for my country” Duby announced. “Now if I can only win Olympic Gold every day from now on my beloved homeland shall be completely debt free by 23145”.

Olympic medal winning has become the largest industry in Botswana, recently overtaking traditional moneyspinners poaching and government corruption. “Running’s very profitable,” explained Duby. “Four hours training a day for six years to win hold works out about 5 cents an hour. That’s twice the national average wage”. “Not to mention the lucrative sponsorships Olympic success attracts. Winning a glamour race like the 800m could mean as much as three goats a year for me”.

 Nevertheless, Duby has taken the victory in his stride. “I was very fortunate to win”, he said. “The Tanzanian runner had it in the bad before he died of starvation at the 600 metre mark”. “I feel like a winner just being here. And where I come from, have three meals a day for two weeks pretty much makes you one”.

Teen’s dying wish for Cameron Diaz blow job not granted

Philadelphia, Monday: The parents of 15-year-old leukaemia patient Josh Morten, who last night passed away after a four-year battle with the illness, said they were sorry not to have fulfilled his dying wish to get a blow job from Cameron Diaz.

The courageous teenage told his family two months ago that the one thing he’d really like before he died was to be sucked off by the successful Hollywood actress and former model. ‘Josh never asked for much,’ his father confided.

‘He never complained about his illness, or made unrealistic demands, so when  he requested fellatio from the star of Charlie’s Angels and There’s Something About Mary we thought, sure, that’s the least we can do for him’. But attempts to grant Josh his dying wish proved much more difficult than the family had initially though.

Formal requests inviting the star to perform oral sex on their dying son were repeatedly declined. ‘We wrote, we rang, we faxed,’ Mr. Morten explained. ‘And every time it was the same answer: “Sorry, Ms Diaz is currently unable to comply with your request”. I mean how unsympathetic can you get? We’re talking about a dying kid here! Would it kill her?’

Mr. Morton even made a special trip to Los Angeles, to try to talk to the movie star personally outside the premiere of Gangs of New York. ‘The Crowds were ten deep,’ he said, ‘and I’m there yelling out to her from the back: “Will you go down on my son please!”. But she didn’t want to know’. With hopes diminishing by the day, Mr. Morten placed similar standby requests with the agents of Catherine Zeta Jones, Jennifer Lopez and Salma Hayek, but in each case the stars refuse to co-operate.

‘Who do they think they are these women!’ railed Mr. Morten. ‘They earn millions of dollars and swan about at fancy parties, but when they get a simple request to bring a smile to young boy far less fortunate then them, they turn their back on you. What kind of world do we live in when a dying teenage can no longer get his cock sucked by a celebrity?’

Japanese greenies chain themselves to bonsai trees

TOKYO, Wednesday: Anti-logging protesters in
Japan yesterday chained themselves to bonsai trees, to protest their miniature forests from destruction at the hands of local timber companies.

The drastic move followed attempts by Japan’s forestry industry to clear up to five square centimeters of natural bonsai bush land just south of Osaka. The trees were only spared when up to 40 protesters hurled themselves in front of the miniature bulldozers.

‘It’s vital we maintain this diminutive habitat and ecology incase any minuscule species ever choose to make this their natural environment,’ said one protester, who had up to twelve separate bonsai trees chained to his back.

But a spokesman for the logging industry said he wouldn’t be deterred, and that the clearing of bonsai trees was vital for the ongoing manufacture of tiny dollhouse furniture.

Son of Ozzy Osbourne goes into rehab for family reunion

CALIFORNIA, Monday: Jack Osbourne, the 17-year-old son of Ozzy Osbourne, checked into rehab this week in order to attend a function with his father, mother Sharon and Sister Kelly, all of whom are being treated at the same clinic.

‘I can’t fucken beleeeve it,’ Ozzy Osbourne said in a written statement responding to news of his son’s decision. ‘He’s fucken stooped … I’m that angry. Where’s me fucken pills then?’

Other family members deny Jack’s admission is cause for concern. ‘We have all our family dos at the clinic these days,’
Sharon said after attending a detox session with daughter Kelly. ‘We know there’s no chance of spending time with the family without turning to drugs or alcohol unless we all get treatment together. Ozzy and me are really quite proud of Jack’s so committed to being a part of the family’. 

Jack Osbourne checked himself into the family’s preferred recovery clinic after spending three weeks alone in the family home due to his family’s hectic rehab commitments. He told admission staff he developed drinking and drugs problems because he felt isolated as the only member of the family without a substance abuse problem.

Bush delighted by ‘second inauguralization’

PRESIDENT Bush has told reporters he is “looking forward to being inaugularalated for the second time” in a lavish ceremony on Capitol Hill.

It’s a chance for me to humbly thank the citizens of this great country whose wise judgement returned me to this high office,” he said. “Principally, Karl Rove and his staff”.

The White House has been criticised for spending $40 million on the inauguration so soon after the tsunami disaster. But sources in the administration said that the money, which was raised from corporate sponsor, represented extremely good value. “Buying the President’s support usually costs much more tan that,” he said. The re-elected President will make a speech to lay out his vision for the next four years. “They offered me an hour, but I told them I only had enough vague generalizations for five or six minutes,” said a relaxed Bush.

The President said that his speech would focus on the major issues facing the world in 2004, such as whether two men should be allowed to be able to commit themselves to a loving, monogamous relationship.

Bush has also committed himself to seeking democracy right across the globe, with the exceptions of Florida and Ohio.

Expanding on this theme, President Bush threatened those few absolutist leaders who aren’t allies in the War on Terror with a promise to “end tyranny around the world” in his second term, and try to ensure that no country were subjected to the whims of a government they could not control. “Although that doesn’t mean we’ll be pulling out of Iraq in the next four years,” he clarified.

Sperm bank introduces online sperm Banking

BRISBANE, Monday:

One of Australia’s leading sperm banks is encouraging its customers to do all their sperm banking online. The move is part of the banks ongoing shift away from face-to-face service.  While many see internet and phone sperm banking as more efficient, elderly customers have been slow to embrace them, still preferring to make all their deposits in person.

WAR IN ISRAEL – Cycle of Blame Blamed

JERUSALEM, Friday: The cycle of blame has been blamed for the recent escalation of violence in the Middle East. In the first agreement between the new Sharon government and Yasser Arafat both have agreed that the conflict can not be avoided until they stop the cycle of blame.

“The cycle of blame is the cause of this war,’ said Sharon. ‘Although the Palestinians started it’. Ariel Sharon has also denounced the escalation of violence in Israel, and sought world condemnation of the Palestinians’ use of bus weapons technology. The denouncement comes after bus driver Khalil Abu Olbeh rammed a bus into a group of Israeli’s killing eight.

The bus incident led to a declaration fo war from an Israeli official who claimed that peace talks could not resume until the Palestinians decommissioned all of their buses. President Bush condemned the attack and ordered that the sale of all vehicles of mass transit be banned to
Palestine. He added that Israel may want to ‘lighten up on the gunship assassinations’ referring to the Israeli military’s murder of a Palestinian security officer last week.

Meanwhile the Israeli government has responded angrily to claims that the bus driver killed the Israeli citizens due to his anger at the killing of Palestinians in the Gaza Strip by the Israeli army.

‘Don’t blame us. Those Palestinians were killed as a pre-emptive retaliation against the  bus crash deaths said newly elected Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. ‘If only they would stop provoking us like that there would be some hope of peace in the
Middle East’.

Historians uncover third gag in ‘Get Smart’

New York, Tuesday: An academic historian, Professor Shotwire, has uncovered a previously unrecognized third comic device used in the 1970’s spy sitcom Get Smart. The show’s creator Mel Brooks couldn’t believe his ears when he heard the news. “Don’t tell me there were three gags in the show”. “I asked you not to tell me that,” Mr. Brooks said.

When the claim was met with disbelief by most journalists, Prof Shotwire responded “Would you believe it had two and a half gags? Would you believe two gags? Would you believe one gag? Okay. It didn’t actually have any gags”.

Police demand more macho name for ‘Taskforce Jenny’

SYDNEY, Tuesday: Superintendent Nick Chalmers of the Wentworthville District Patrol has been stood down amid allegations that he named police taskforces without flair, imagination or metaphorical significance.

Chalmers is under particular fire for his naming of an arson taskforce. Commissioner or Police Peter Ryan deemed the name Taskforce Jenny ‘entirely inappropriate, and quite frankly, drab’. Instead, Ryan would have preferred to see the name Taskforce Phoenix, Operation Firebrand or Taskforce Cedar.

‘I particularly like the name Taskforce Phoenix’, Ryan said. ‘It’s evocative yet subtly and I think the classical allusion is a nice touch. It is true that our officers will not be collecting “cinnamon and spikenard, and myrrh” as Ovid described, nor will they be carrying a nest to the city of
Heliopolis in
Egypt and depositing it in the temple of the Sun, as the
Phoenix was known to do, but at least it is a better name than Taskforce Jenny.

The compromise name that Chalmers put forward – Taskforce Eastern Spotted Quoll – was flatly dismissed by Ryan in mediation yesterday and Chalmers future remained unclear. Speaking at a press conference yesterday, Chalmers’ claimed that ‘the issue is really one of creative control’.

Commissioner Ryan responded, ‘I can accept that a Superintendent as a right to choose a taskforce name – to play around with words and really jazz things up – but it has to be done within reason. If a name without any metaphorical resonance is chosen, it should at least sound bravely and manly. I would have found the names Taskforce Condor, Taskforce Cruiser or Operation Blue Steel entirely appropriate but girls’ names are just so not us’.

FBI Warns of Imminent Terrorist Warning

WASHINGTON, Friday: The FBI has issued the American public with a chilling warning that it could issue a terrorist warning sometimes soon. 

FBI spokesman Chris Jenkins told a packed press conference today, ‘It has come to our attention from unnamed sources that any of a number of acts may occurs at an undisclosed location by unidentified person employing a variety of means’. As a result of this new information we are upgrading our idle speculation about a terrorist warning to a full warning of a warning’.

Concerns have been rife since fertilizer and petrol, possible ingredients of a rudimentary explosive, were discovered in an Arab-American’s garden shed. A man has been taken into custody and a manhunt has begun to establish his lines of supply. 

This is the eighth ‘terrorist warning’ warning the FBI has released since September 11 attacks but Jenkins cautioned against complacency. ‘The most horrendous aspect of the cowardly attacks on September 11 was that they were without warning. We guarantee that will never happen again’.  

Jenkins followed his warning of a terrorist warning with a word of advice to those driving on wet roads and a caution to parents with pools in their backyards.  

The announcement coincidentally came two hours before the FBI applied for an extra $300 billion grant from Capitol Hill. Responding to questions from the pres about the propriety of the earlier warning, spokesmen declared the press ‘un-American’ and brandished American flags to riotous acclaim